Happy BBQ

Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson walk into a bar…

…and the bartender didn’t say anything because he had died from a punch line overdose.

The Tao of Bob

I have discovered over the past few days that I have no desire to write. I’ve thought about it and I suppose I usually write something to you when I’m either upset/bothered/angry/peeved/ about something or if I’m trying to extract some measure of reaction from you through humor.

Lately though…I don’t care. I really and truly don’t care.



I wrote a whole big long thing about the whys and wherefors, but then I decided that I don’t need to explain myself to you.

You should just be happy that I’m finally happy…

…and if you’re not, I don’t care.

The View from my "Office"

Merry Baby Daddy Day

Hello Faithful Few.

Well I made it back last night about 1 AM. Just to give you a little (very little) insight into my week, I twisted my back to the point that I can barely bend at the waist, my left forearm is completely bruised up and I lost ten pounds in five days. Goddamn but I love combat training!

I’m going to spend the rest of the day with the family doing absolutely nothing.

Peace. (Not really...job security and all)

No Rule 5 this week

I had a fuckin' sweet Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins rule 5
post all lined up with multiple supple, tan, daddy-issue-having, semi-
nude Pens fans, but verizon is determined to make me it's bitch by
fucking up my Internet connection and therefore reducing me to writing
this incredible long and ultimately pointless sentence from my iPhone.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Posting may be sporadic, if not nonexistent, for the next week and a half or so on account of I got some work shit brewing. You know how the GWOT is making us all millionaires?

Now that I think about it, it’s not GWOT anymore is it? It’s OCO.

Hmmmm...I’m not too sure about that one. Sounds too much like EIEIO.

So in the words of the one of the greatest public speakers of our time...

"No sir. I don’t like it."



Just remember, if we ever actually attained world peace, my only job would be taking rice to families with 15 children that are too weak to move out of the fucking desert, but apparently not so hungry that they can’t keep shitting out kids.

Internets Go Bye-Bye

I'm having wicked connectivity issues due to Verizon's plan to motivate me to switch to Fios. I guess they figure if they just keep fucking up the DSL, I'll eventually upgrade. Obviously they failed to recognize my superhuman ability to put up with shit.

Learn Something New Everyday

You know, I have a daughter and I thought the only thing I had to teach her was the whole “front to back” deal, but apparently it’s a little more involved than that.

You ladies might want to grab a pen and paper before you hit play.

The Black Dahlia Murder

Since TBDM is touring with Slayer this summer on the Mayhem Fest, I figure I’ll send them some love.

The band just released a new DVD, Majesty, which is pretty fucking sweet. Two discs, the first one is all documentary and the second has concert footage and videos. I learned a lot about them from the documentary. Like, no matter how much weed some people smoke, they can still play guitar better than me.

Here’s the video for A Vulgar Picture. For you squares that won’t bother to learn the words, let me just tell you, it’s a really sweet “love” song. Like when I guy still loves his dead wife so much he digs up her body and…you know…( finger poking through hole motion)…chicka-bow-wow. (hip thrusting motion) Do I need to paint you a fucking* picture?







*pun intended

Elif air ab tizak!

This is the most useful post I’ve read all day!

Rule 5

This week’s Rule 5 hotness is none other than Mythbuster Kari Byron.

As you may or may not know, Ms. Byron has a huge fan following of the nerdicus persuasion. In fact, she currently ranks #3 behind (the all time leader) Metal Bikini Princess Leia and the creepy H. R. Giger Alien Chick for most often utilized nerd spankin’ material.

Now that I think about it, I wonder what the over/under would be on the IQ point differential between your average Kari Byron ‘bater and say, your average Britney Spears ‘bater.

It’s got to be 30 points easy.

Gym

I just joined a gym
Now my ballsack hurts again
Ahh. The good old days

Headlines

Going back to work after taking vacation time murders part of your soul. I’m beginning to see the benefits of becoming a drifter/hobo. I really don’t think I could wear three coats at the same time though.

I went through the Big Box o’Pictures the other day and took out all the floppy picture disks, saved them to the hard drive and then backed them up on a single cd. 1205 pictures and it only took up 74 MB. I hate technology. In 25 years I’ll be able to take all the accumulated knowledge of the greatest minds in history, put it on a chip, inside a pill and shove it up a monkey’s ass just for the fuck of it.

Don’t mind me; I’m grouchy from tearing apart picture disks so I can safely throw them away. God knows I don’t want my wiener on the internet or even worse, a picture of me in parachute pants.

I’m currently reading 1776 by David McCullough. I’m always incredibly impressed whenever I read about important historical events and the people that pulled off those events. But then by comparison, I’m always incredibly disappointed in the “important” figures of my own time. Pussies.

The yard sale went well, but I didn’t get rid of as much stuff as I would have liked. Almost anything that didn’t sell got put on the curb for Monday morning trash. I gave Pink the 5 lb sledge and told her to go to work on everything in the “curb” pile. Hey, I’m not giving the shit away to the Sunday night trash pickers. I gotta say, I was pretty impressed. That girl can swing a fucking mallet. I’ll have to remember that if I ever need someone’s knees worked on.

I’m thinking about kicking out some more sci-fi short stories. I’ve got a few rattling around in my melon, but I’m not too sure. It didn’t go very well last time. Imagine my fucked up sense of humor and lack of grammatical skills with the addition of zombies and naked chicks with tentacles…or zombie naked chicks…or just straight up naked chicks. Maybe I should just write porn.