Trust me…I know what I’m talking about

I have it on good authority that the Swine Flu pandemic is actually an elaborate government cover-up of…

…wait for it…

…a viral zombie outbreak.

Go ahead and check for yourselves. Googling “swine flu zombie” will get you no less than 160,000 hits. And we all know everything on the internets is true or else they couldn’t print it. Here are some of the highlights:

Swine flu: Mexico City becomes 'strange zombie city'… - Telegraph.co.uk

I now believe from a majority of people that this Swine Flu creates zombies out
of people. The question is why are these infected people or zombies hostile, why
are they trying to kill us and infect us all? From thoughs who are bioligists
please explain to me why people turn into high fevered infected zombies that
turn and kill people, THIS IS NOT A JOKE! My sources come from a large # of
people on Yahoo answers who say that the zombies are already in the thousands in L.A and Mexico. – Yahoo Answers

This little exchange is my personal favorite:

…I can't help but think that there is some sort of global government cover-up of
a zombie outbreak from this flu....Flu like symptoms, then quick death, then
attempted government cover-up "Swine Flu" B.S., and then global
panic!!!!!...

…Give me twenty cases of beer, food, three battle rifles, seven sniper rifles, three LMGs, seven RPGs, three SMGs, seven pistols, a stockpile of ammo, and I should be just fine….

…Our local paper ran a sub story about how "Containment is not an option" after telling us all last week that there was only a few isolated cases outsice of Mexiico… - FireArmsTalk.com

Well, fuck, that’s all the proof I need. Get Bessie into the barn, fill the bathtub with water and load the shotguns. I’m killin’ the first muthafucker that comes to the door.

...and now for Political News

Via FilmDrunk

Clutch

In honor of Clutch tickets going on sale this weekend and to show McCain he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about, I present possibly the greatest band ever.

Bad Parents Suck

This morning I had my nice healthy breakfast of oatmeal and banana slices interrupted by this story on GMA.

Apparently some bitch kicked her kids out of the car because they wouldn’t stop fighting and she couldn’t take it. The 12 year old girl ran back to the car and got back in, but her 10 year old sister wandered the streets until some stranger bought her ice cream and took her to the cops.

I have issues with this and parenting in general on so many different levels that I felt compelled to interrupt my own morning, postpone my AntiChrist workout and explain to you all why most parents suck ass.

First of all, I just want to get this out of my system right know so you can go ahead and stop reading.

If you are a stay at home mom and all you do is take care of the kids and the house and you think your job is hard. You suck ass. It’s not that difficult. I don’t know where you’re having a problem personally. Maybe you have too many fucking kids. Maybe your house is to fucking big. Maybe your husband is a deadbeat. I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care. Unless you are literally shackled to the fucking stove, held prisoner in some kind of crazy religious cult compound, it’s your own entire fucking fault. Deal with it. Nobody pisses me off more than housewives that bitch. You know I have a house and I have a child and take care of them both, oh and I also occasionally go to war. So shut the fuck up.

Damn, I feel like I just had an orgasm.

Ok husbands, you’re not getting off scot free. If your wife bitches all the time, you’re probably not pulling your weight. Do your fucking job.

Yea, I know that wasn’t even, but I don’t care. I’m going to play the “It’s my fucking blog” card.

I know the mother that booted her kids to the curb wasn’t a stay at home mom, but that doesn’t make any difference. The situation that she and every other bad parent find themselves is ENTIRELY OF THEIR OWN MAKING.

Stop bitching about something that you created.

It’s like those commercials at the end of summer, where the mom is dancing around the store school shopping because she’s so fucking happy that she doesn’t have to spend time with her kids any more.

The Other McCain has been writing lately about Christianity and having big families and all. You know the whole “fruitful and multiply” schtick. And normally I agree with Stacy, but on this issue we are going to have to part ways. In my opinion, most Americans should not only NOT have big families, they shouldn’t have any kids at all. They just can’t handle it.

If your kids are fighting in the back seat to the point that you have to pull the car over and kick them the fuck out, you have already failed as a parent. You just gave the world two more fucking mouth breathers that can’t resolve their conflicts in peaceful manner. Thank you very much.

Single people need to listen up and pay attention. Girls, take note every time your married friend complains about her kids. Guys, pay attention when you’re at the park with your girlfriend and the mother of three is trying to wrangle her two little bastards while the third one in her arms is wailing. That could be you.

If you’re in a stable marriage and have good jobs, by all means have a child and love it with all your heart, every day. But if you have second kid just so the first one will have a playmate (and I heard this from more than one parent), what the fuck are you doing with your time? Pay attention to your damn kid. You play with them. You are a family of equals. The only thing you have on your kids is life experience; there’s probably a better than average chance that your kids are actually smarter than you. Treat them as such.

When an average couple decides to have more and more children, they are making a deliberate choice to give less and less to their kids. Time and money. You can only pay for so much crap and there is only so much time in the day. Years ago when my daughter asked me if she could have a little sister, I told her (and I shit you not) that if she had a sister she would only get half as many toys over the course of her life because her sister would get the other half. There is only so much toy money.

She decided she didn’t need a little sister.

P.S. For those of you that were wondering, I got my test results back and apparently I am not going crazy, but for some reason I have become prone to fairly bad postprandial hypoglycemia. Hmm…who’da thunk it?

Sick or Not

I have my follow-up doctor’s appointment in an hour and a half.

If there’s nothing wrong with me, then I’m going crazy.

If there is, then there’s something wrong with me.

I don’t see how this can end well.

Happy Monday, People of the Internets

Every time I open my window
Cranes fly in to terrorize me
- Clutch, Burning Beard

Maybe there’s another reason

via Smoking Gun

Seem old Terry Nichols has an issue. He is blaming his diet at the Florence, CO Supermax prison for:

“…chronic constipation, bleeding, hemorrhoids…”

Hmmmm…or maybe it’s due to being pounded in the ass by a big-dicked cellmate.

Consider yourself lucky, Terry.

If it was up to me, you’d have a pineapple shoved up your ass every other day by a relative of one of the 168 people you murdered. Fuck off and die.

Bob’s Day

Guess what I did all day.

Before

After

That’s right. Not only am I good looking and smart, I’m also handy.

Officially Old

Ok. Now I feel old. Let me fill you in.

Normally, I like to keep a neat and tidy scrotal zone.

Stay with me now.

Nothing too fancy. No crazy shapes like hearts or butterflies and definitely not shaven bald. Just a nice regulation high and tight.

Still with me?

Well I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t been as diligent as usual recently, what with the possibility that I might be going insane and all and I noticed this morning that I had the makings of a full blown rainforest sprouting up.

Ok that was a bit much; I’ll understand if you’ve moved on by now.

So I broke out the trusty old “pubes only” clippers and commence to manscaping. When what do I find? A big old wiry silver hair. Silver. Can you believe that shit?

Now that was too much even for me. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to finish.

So that’s it. I’m officially fucking old. It’s all down hill from here. Where’s the euthanasia line?

I might have to go do something childish before they fit me for a walker.

Auto Control, Please

via Smoking Gun

I can’t swing a dead cat over my head without hitting some goddamn hippie going on about gun control, but this bitch will be back behind the wheel by next week and nobody seems to give a fuck.

Yummy

Founders Dirty Bastard in my new tulip glass. My official review -
yummy.

The Antichrist

You think you know, but you do not.

The Beast will not come as some cherub-faced rascal with a curly black mop top.

The Son of Perdition will not show itself as the young CEO of a multinational corporation.

The Wicked One will not even come as a young minority politician out of Illinois.

No.

The Enemy is already among us bringing terrible suffering and gnashing of teeth with her Thirty Day Shred…

…for the Lawless One, that King of Babylon is none other than Jillian Michaels…

…and that bitch be crazy.

Network Bias?

Really? I’m just not seeing it.*




Via The Other McCain; Via Michelle Malkin and Hot Air.


* Sarcasm.**

** For those of you*** too stupid to realize.

***…and by you, I mean goddamn hippie liberals.

On Tap

I’m Feeling Much, Much Better Now…

…thank you for your concern.

…and by “concern” I mean “total disregard”…

…and by “you” I mean “you” dipshit, currently reading this…

…and by “thank you” I mean “fuck off”…

No really.

Actually, I am feeling a lot better. I think my little “episode” was a combination of:

Work stress (I hate my job)
Stress over a legal matter I can’t talk about (trust me it’s just fucking great)
I have a cold (My head is full of snot)
I’m eating healthy (I’m always hungry and my blood sugar is completely fucked)
I’ve lost 30 lbs in 3 months (which apparently is not as healthy as it sounds)
I occasionally have a beer or two (or ten)

Thanks again for the concern.

And by…well, you know the rest.

Headlines

- I’m currently reading The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks.

- On an unrelated note, “Zombie Attacks” has passed “Hippie Jams” on my list of “Shit I am Worried About.”

- For a good hour on Thursday, I was convinced the wife was trying to poison me.

- We had a great family day in New Hope on Saturday buying shit we don’t "need" yet had to own. Jalapeno-Tequila hot sauce? Check. Weyerbacher tulip glass? Check. American Harvest Beanpod candles? Check.

- I had a full blown panic attack on Friday and I haven’t felt “right” since.

- I just realized we had the “sex” talk with our kid before the “Santa Claus/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy” talk. What’s wrong with this world?

- I sent in my taxes. I’ve had them done for a while, but fuck ‘em. They can wait for my money.

- There’s a better than average chance that I’ve had a complete psychotic collapse and I’m currently sitting in a padded cell, drooling on myself, imagining I’m updating my blog.

- I use “quotation” marks entirely too much.

NSFW

3==> (!)

I have all the time in the world

“Is it safe to assume that this is all billable time? Then I can
talk as long as you want lawyerman.”

– Ancient Chinese Proverb

Metal Affirmations

Today’s “uplifting” reading comes from the Connecticut hardcore gods, Hatebreed.

Here I am
Exposed in my brokenness
For the world to see
Here I am
Screaming this words
It’s all I’ve ever known of serenity
- Give Wings to my Triumph

How to sell Crap to Nerds in 2 easy steps

Step 1 – Boobs
Step 2 - Lightsabers

Homo? You make the call.

Metal Affirmations

This LoG moment goes out to that certain special someone. You know who you are motherfucker. Just think, when they’re done with you, you still have to deal with me.

Can the pestilence within you be bled out?
May I have the honor of this amputation?
Know that you have made an enemy
To show you the meaning of indignity
I live now solely for the pleasure of your slow decay
-Purified

Gun Control?

- from The Huffington Post via The Other McCain

Guns should be the hardest things to get in America, not the easiest.

I disagree…

…so does this guy and this girl and this lady plus her baby and this teenager and this guy.

Personally, I own 7 guns and not one of them has ever broken the law.

On the other hand, my 1 car can’t say as much because, frankly, that 35 mph stretch between Woodlawn and Rt. 207 is fucking ridiculous.

Why I love America…

…or, “How to waste your whole fucking morning in 10 easy steps.”

I can’t decide what I want to name this post, so we’re just going to go with both for now.

I got up this morning with every intention of getting some yard work done, but it’s currently pouring down rain and has been all morning. So instead, I jumped on the old computer to read some feeds. I currently subscribe to 23 different feeds and when I say different, I’m not joking around; my tastes are all over the place.

I read a handful of beer blogs, a couple about mountain biking and a couple funny Hollywood news and movie blogs. Seems normal, right? Well also throw in one heavy metal music blog, a sprinkling of middle-aged housewife blog and a dash of hippie poet blog just for good measure. Then top it all off with a heaping spoonful of political blogs.

I don’t know how that degenerated into a recipe, but like I’ve said…I never promised you a fucking rose garden. Besides, it’s not like I get paid for this shit.

Where was I?

Right, political blogs.

Believe it or not, but I have no real interest in politics. I read all the other stuff, pretty much just to stay up to date on either the subject of the blog or the writer there of. But the political blogs I read purely for the interactions between the writers. It’s like people-watching at the mall only on a grander yet more obscure scale. It’s truly beautiful in its expression of American freedom and to be totally honest, it’s fucking hysterical.

I don’t know what your particular political views are, my dear Faithful Few readers, and frankly I don’t want to know, but do yourself a favor and follow along.

I started this morning with The Other McCain. I like McCain because he’s funny and he was one of the first to link me back in the day. Funny…it all began when I started commenting on a discussion between McCain and Jimmie over the merits of Battlestar Galactica. I only found his site in the first place because I was researching Grace Park for my doctoral thesis on Asian schoolgirl uniforms.

Where was I?

From McCain’s site I found TBogg and from there I found Big Head DC. That’s when I found this guy. Then on and on and on.

Go ahead and read. I’ll wait.

That’s when I had to stop because I was literally laughing out loud at my computer and I had completely wasted the morning.

I have no idea who any of these people really are, but it’s still fucking hysterical, because they are completely serious. Really. They are totally serious about this shit. I’m super cereal.

So anyway, my point is if you need a little entertainment to spice up your day, find yourself a couple of contrasting political blogs and watch the sparks fly. Keep in mind, you better have your shit wired right, or else you might just get sucked into one side or the other. That wouldn’t be cool at all, because we all know there’s really only one correct viewpoint.

Mine.

Round About

I know I’m not supposed to be blogging on Saturday, but frankly there’s a lot of shit I’m not supposed to do and we all know just how well I listen.

In addition to knowing that I don’t follow direction well, we also know that a big bulk of my traffic comes from The Other McCain. Hell, right now it’s floating right around 28%.

So now that we all know most of my traffic comes from The Other McCain AND I couldn’t follow the rules, even if the only rule was don’t follow the rules, I’m going to do the only thing I’m good at…fuck everything up.

Where, oh where, to begin…well let me just cut to the chase.

I got screwed out of a bullet. Yeah, that’s right. You heard me…screwed out of a bullet.

McCain’s henchman Smitty wrote a Rule 2 compilation this morning and everybody’s favorite middle-aged fat drunk guy got himself some love.

Why bitch then motard?

Hold your fucking horses. What I didn’t get with my love, was my own fucking bullet. You heard me right…bullet.

Everyone else got their own bullet except me. I got crammed in with Below the Beltway so my little slice of love looked like this:

- Below the Beltway celebrates its millionth visitor with a hat tip to RSM and
some Charlize Theron Rule 5Bob's Bar and Grill has the eloquently titled drunk-blog post Blah Blah Blah. I don't know. It made a good palate cleanser. I had to leave this
blog promptly, due to PTSD brought on by that arm tattoo from last week.
*shudder*

What the ever-living fuck? Plus he disses my ink. So help me God.

Ok, ok, ok…calm down, Bob. You’re just going to blow a good thing again. You know you always do this. Just when everything is going your way, you open your big trap, bitch about some minor shit that no one else but you really cares about and…BLAMO…the whole thing blows up in your face.

Just. Get. A. Grip.

Ok...breathe. Alright, I’m cool. You know this is funny, because this very thing reminds me of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, where Ray purposely sabotaged his relationship with Deborah because of his fear of success.

Which brings me to my point…Patricia Heaton’s boobs. Happy Rule 5!

Ouch…

…my head hurts.

I don’t know how he got in the house, but so help me God, if I find the squirrel that shit in my mouth last night I’ll wring his little neck.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

You know what I just fucking love? Waking up on the couch at six o’clock in the morning with crusty eyes and dried up slobber on my cheek, in the same clothes I was wearing all day yesterday.

Did I mention my head hurts?

So, technically I only had six beers. Technically.

While I was barbequing pork tenderloins yesterday (boy, oh boy, were they good), someone who I’m determined to stay married to even if it kills me, decided it would be a good idea to get me a four-pack of Founders Double Trouble.

There’s a reason they only sell them in four-packs.

How did that squirrel get in the house?

Then someone else, through no fault of his own, made the slightly impaired decision to follow up that four-pack with a bomber of Rouge Dead Guy.

Did someone leave the door open again?

I don’t really even remember opening the bomber of Stone Double Bastard, but I found the empty bottle in the kitchen.

Ouch.

So now it’s 9:30 in the morning, my head hurts, I smell like refried ass, it‘s taken me an hour and a half to write these 256 words and I have way too much shit to do today.

I’m going to go take a shower. Don’t bother me.

Metal Affirmations

The extended Lamb of God reading today, just happens to be from my new favorite song.

You best belay self-pity
Locked in devastation’s throes
The noose awaits you swinging
A blade of malice cuts the rope

Hostility ensues
No attempt to repent
Your struggles vindicate the illest of intent

Die

It only fell apart because you let it
Bled of all you had to lose
Pick up the pieces with your broken hands
- Broken Hands

Metal Affirmations

Today’s reading from The Red Chord is either meaningless or so meaningful it blew my mind. I haven’t decided.

Give me a cigarette
I’m having a heart attack
Where’s my fucking bar-b-que?
I know you have it
- Responsibles

Goddamn Hippies

I found these clips from Hot Air via HotMES cause I can’t do anything on my own.





Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for fucking with hippies, but this is damn near cruel.* Besides, my boy already showed us the proper way to deal with hippies.

* you would not believe the time I wasted trying to come up with a witty metaphor for fucking with hippies. It had something to do with beluga whales, the Special Olympics and government cheese, but I just couldn’t put it all together. Maybe I have killed too many brain cells.

Ozzfest 05

I finally found a clip of the Ozzfest video that I’m in. At about the 30 second mark, you can see me standing off to the left in a black t-shirt resting. It was about 100 degrees that day, they kept spraying the crowd with fire hoses to keep people from falling out and I was already drunk…or else I’d be dancing.

It really is a shame that Ozzfest has gone to shit. I always liked those shows. But who cares, Mayhem Fest is coming in Aug.

Metal Affirmations

Good morning Faithful Few! Today’s reading from The Sword has me wanting to break out the twenty-sided dice.

I would mount your heads on bloody spears
Outside your palace gates
And watch as crows pick out your eyes
And your cities are laid to waste
- Winter’s Wolves