C.Y.A.

Originally posted 20 Mar 2008

Anyone who knows me knows I love a good ass-chewing. Hey sometimes you need one. Sometimes you need to give one out. It’s a fact of life; people screw up and need corrected. Being in somewhat of a managerial position, sometimes I have to yell at the people below me for whatever reason, be it handing in less than stellar work to just showing up late.

Problem is though that some people don’t take kindly to nor appreciate a good reaming. Some ass-chewees get a little vindictive after their ball out and decide to make up things about the counseling session that didn’t actually happen. The last thing you want is for this person to go above your head or, even worse, go to HR and make up lies about you. Don’t get me wrong, evils like sexual harassment, racism and workplace intimidation are inexcusable to say the least. They’re criminal. But there are those individuals who might not accept the fact that they screwed up and fire back in the only way they know how. Lies.

This is where the concept of CYA comes in. Cover Your Ass. Plain and simple, get yourself a witness to sit in on the ass-chewing session. Make sure that the person you pick is your peer (or higher) and not the chewee’s. That would be too embarrassing and who says they’ll even stick up for you if it hits the fan. Also make sure your witness is reliable and in good standing with the company. You don’t want the only guy on your side to be brought up on separate charges for stealing Twinkies from the office snack bar.

So if you find yourself called upon to act as ass-chewing witness, please follow these simple guidelines:

1. Don’t be late. You don’t want to be the reason for awkward silence between chewer and chewee.
2. Don’t participate. The chewee will feel ganged up on.
3. Don’t contradict the chewer. They’ll lose authority in the eyes of the chewee.
4. Don’t look at the chewee. If they give you those bunny eyes you might cave and commit #3.
5. Don’t roll you eyes when you find out the chewer is wasting your time because the only thing he is complaining about is the fact that the chewee failed to buy the right color post-its.
6. Don’t evaluate the chewer’s office. Even though you might want to copy the furniture arrangement depending on the Feng Shui.
7. Don’t get up from your chair and take back the stapler, scissors, three-hole punch, coffee cup or favorite pen that the chewer stole from your office.
8. Don’t, under any circumstances, make any jokes about TPS reports.

Hopefully by following these simple rules, whether covering your ass as ass-chewer or stepping up as ass-chewing witness, you can avert any problems that may arise.

Note 1: Just so you know, there are currently no legal actions against me from anyone whose ass I chewed
Note 2: I was called upon to act as ass-chewing witness this morning and broke three of my own rules which prompted me to write this article. (guess which three)
Note 3: I haven’t used the words “ass” and “chewee” so many times in the same article since I wrote that review for Star Wars Porn.


Answers: #1, #5 and Secret rule #9 – Don’t try to inconspicuously play Texas Hold’em on your cell phone during the ass-chewing.