That Guy

As some of you already know (Goddamn that Facebook*), The Wife and I went to Atlantic City this past Friday to see a concert at the House of Blues. All in all, it was a pretty good show. I’m not a huge Mudvayne fan, but The Wife really likes them and hey, I’m nothing if I’m not giving. Besides we had a pretty good time before the show started, people watching and pointing out different types of fans. Here’s a few:

Way too Fucked up Guy – Hey, we’ve all been there right? Had a few too many drinks, maybe you should have passed on that last round of Jager bombs, but your buddy wanted to celebrate cause he finally got that under age-looking chick two rows up to flash him so you start to nod off at the show. That’s fine. Way too Fucked up Guy is light-years past that. It would be nicer for everyone involved if Way too Fucked up Guy would just go to sleep, but that ain’t gonna happen any time soon…if ever. Way too Fucked up Guy is spazzing the fuck out all over everyone and it’s going to take a pint of horse tranquilizers to bring him down.

Cuddly Guy – Also known as Paying too much attention to his Girlfriend Guy in some states, Cuddly Guy’s only true fault is that he’s really just trying to get laid. Normally in his late teens, Cuddly Guy is more often than not a fan of the bands playing the show. His girlfriend however is not and only came along because stupid teens do everything together. So she spends the next two hours distracting poor Cuddly Guy with neck kisses and crotch grabs to which he eagerly reciprocates. He eventually leaves the show before the main act, incorrectly assuming he’s going to at least get a hummer in the parking lot. Sorry Cuddly Guy, you should have come alone, picked up a drunken skank that actually likes the music and probably at least gotten a handjob in the seats between bands.

Columbine Guy – Black trench coats (recently leather dusters) have been a metal concert staple since the late 80s. You’re always going to find at least a dozen pimply teens, four matrix escapees, two oily shirtless duster-wearing douchebags and one over-weight, forty year old dungeon master clad in a black trench coat no matter how fucking hot it may be. Columbine Guy is none of these. Sure, Columbine Guy wears a trench coat, but not out of some misguided fashion sense. Hell, it’s not even black. Columbine Guy just stands in the center of the pulsing crowd not even really facing the band and you’re pretty sure he hasn’t twitched a muscle in forty-five minutes. Time to be somewhere else.

White Guy with Dreads Guy – White Guy with Dreads Guy is essentially harmless. I just hate him for some deep-seeded reason. Comb your fucking hair douchebag!!

Dad Guy- Dad Guy comes in two varieties, Responsible Dad Guy and Irresponsible Dad Guy. Responsible Dad Guy usually drove his teenage son or daughter and their friends to the concert because he doesn’t want them driving in the city at night and alone. He stands at the back of the room in his TaylorMade hat and TD Bank windbreaker, sipping his diet Pepsi and politely bobbing his head to the music. Irresponsible Dad Guy, on the other hand, looks like he just rolled off the set of Jerry Springer and had three beers on the ride over. He brought his two orange mohawked eight year olds because, and I quote, “Fuckin Slayer Rulz!!!! Yeah!!!”

Gap Guy – The more “metal” the show, the more Gap Guy stands out. Gap Guy looks like he, well, just walked out of the Gap and usually ends up at a metal concert by one of two different routes. First, one of the sellout headliners has songs on the fucking radio. Metallica shows are currently almost 90% Gap Guys. Secondly, Gap Guy was lured to the concert by the hot bitch with the nose ring and the sleeve tattoo that works at the Dairy Queen on 2nd Ave. Sure Gap Guy just wants to get laid, but there’s no way this could turn into some kind of reverse Cuddly Guy cause Dairy Queen chick would totally kick his ass. There is, however, a really good chance he’ll get a handjob in the seats between bands.

* I’m beginning to hate fucking Facebook.