Random randomness

So there I be. Drunk ok drinkedness trying to type ad fast ad possible
on the old iPhone just to see what find of shit comes out the othe end.

I'm manning the yard same alone and I'm not to ducking happy about it.
I did sell a ton of shit but not rraly enoughvto put a deny in the
barge.

God I love text.

Peace fuckrts.

Buy my shit

I thought I told you fuckers to buy some of my shit. There is no
fucking way I'm putting this shit back in my garage. I swear to baby
Jesus I'm going to burn the whole lot in the back yard tonight.

Beer Quiz

My buddy Fauve challenged me to a Beer quiz and I’m sorry to say, I failed miserably, but I do have the excuse that I’m pretty fucked up at the moment. Hey, don’t judge me, So you think you can Dance is on and you can’t tell me that anyone watches that shit sober.

Boobs and Pussy

The title says it all; this week’s Rule 5 post is nothing but Boobs and Pussy:


via Manofest via Sublime Directory

Please buy my crap

Did I tell you guys we’re having a yard sale this weekend?

Yea. I’ve been getting ready for it for about a month now and one thing has become painfully clear to me over that month.

I’ve got a shitload of crap.

During my cleaning, sorting and general piling up of crap to sell I’ve divided everything into four groups:

1. Crap we use. This crap is not being sold.

2. Crap we haven’t used in the last year. A lot of this crap is being sold, but there are also a lot of keepsakes in this group.

3. Crap we haven’t used since we moved here five years ago. This is the biggest group of crap and all of it is getting sold.

4. Crap we never even bothered to unpack when we moved here five years ago. I shit you not; this crap was still in the moving boxes.

I really, really need to get rid of some of this because I’m running out of room to put new crap and I can’t buy a bigger house with the way the market is. So if you happen to know where I live, please come buy some of my crap.

Metal Affirmations

I hate everyone equally

You can't tear that out of me

No segregation -separation

Just me in my world of enemies
- Disciple

Only 71 days ‘til Slayer and I have an issue with which you may be able to help.

When do I pick up the sacrificial lamb?

Too early and you end up having to feed the damn thing right up until the concert. Too late and you run the risk of them running out of lambs and you end up getting stuck with a goat.

Trust me; you don’t want to show up to a lamb slaughter with a fucking goat. That’s like going to a wine tasting with a bottle of Boones Farm Strawberry Hill. I’ve got some couth.

Suggestions would be appreciated.

Metal Affirmations

Everything around me decays
Rapes my eyes
Screams never silence the pain
Make you my canvas of pure, fresh, flesh
-Scarstruck

72 days ‘til Slayer. I think I’m getting a little wood.

This is what gays want in on?

Homosexuals should be glad they can’t get married because it only leads to shit like this:

"Pimp daddy Marvin Frazer here was recently arrested on bigamy charges for being married to two women. His first wife bailed on him back in 2003 and after hearing from her parents that they were divorced he got remarried in 2007."

Then this poor dumb bastard has to pay for the actual divorce after spending four days in jail.

Homos, you don’t know how good you have it.

Finally…

…a beer company that understands me.


Attention other marketing people. Look, I don’t need Swedish bikini models, iconic sports figures, racecars or partying canines. And I sure as fuck don’t need a beer that only has 64 calories, but this here is a marketing plan that works.

I can’t tell you nice it is to finally find a beer that validates my desire to start drinking as early in the day as possible. God bless you, Cricket Hill Brewing Co…God bless. (single tear)

Prop 8 = Don’t Care

Apparently gay people can’t get married in California.

If someone put a shotgun to my head and threatened to spackle the wall with my brains if I didn’t care less about this issue, the only thing I would wonder about is what grit of sandpaper my wife would need to use on my medulla oblongata to get the paint to lay flat.

I would like to point out that if the chucklehead in the sunglasses really cared about gay rights he’d be holding his sign right side up, but we all know he’s just there to bang his gay friend’s straight girlfriend. Gay rallies are a great place to meet chicks. You look like you’re sensitive and care about the issues and there’s very little competition.

Weekend with the Folks

I’m always wrong.

If I was afraid I might get Alzheimer’s some day and need one of my kids to put me in a nice care facility, I’d kiss their ass a little more.

Every decision I’ve ever made was wrong.

Any success I’ve ever had in life was either a result of their intervention or pure luck.

I would rather be deployed than visit my parents. You can shoot the enemy.

It is really, really hard to find alcohol on Sunday in Western Pennsylvania.

I don’t care how old and sick they get, there is no fucking way either of them is moving in with me.

Yes, I know I have a great kid. Because I am raising her the exact opposite to the way I was raised.

My parents will take any opportunity to complain about how hard it was to raise four kids.

My mom regrets the fact that I wasn’t born retarded because she got German measles when she was pregnant with me. She’d get more attention that way and the women at church would all talk about what a great mother she is for taking care of her retarded son.

I don’t owe them shit.

Rule 5

Ok, ok, ok…I learned my lesson from last week. No more creepy pictures of people you don’t know. So this week I’m going with a sweetheart that everyone knows and loves…

Stacey Scowley

What? Don’t tell me you don’t remember this Kia commercial with the cute-pouty-lipped-blonde hotness. That’s Stacey and I’m a card carrying member of her fan club.

Post just for coolchick

GO PENS!!!!

Two Girls and a Cup of Controversy

Smitty over at The Other McCain sent me this link from Cassy Fiano about some new Quizno’s commercial that has feminists up in arms. (ad below)

Feminists that are pissed off? There’s a fucking surprise.

…thought it was meant to be a joke. Which, yes, it is. But that doesn’t mean it’s a good one.

My response to him: I’m sort of sick of people thinking they’re making a joke while using all of the same antiquated conventions of the thing they’re making fun of, i.e. objectifying women, promoting perfectionist body standards, fetishistizing blondes and Asians, making a mockery of actual female sexuality etc. etc. etc.

It’s not funny. It’s like white people making fun of racism by peddling in racist stereotypes.

Blah, blah, blah, crap, crap, blah, blah

Look woman, they are not trying to be funny. They are trying to sell fucking sandwiches to men who are watching the Playboy channel.

My biggest issues with this commercial are that first of all they are playing off a pop culture reference that is old and already played out. They might as well have the blonde ask “Where’s the beef?” between felatious bites.

Second, they put way too much effort into this commercial considering their target audience is men that are actually paying for the Playboy channel and thus too stupid to realize there’s this little thing call the “internet” where you can get all the porn you can handle and then some for free.

If I’d had written this commercial, there would have been just one woman (with bigger tits) who spoke directly into the camera and said, “I really like guys who eat Quizno’s sandwiches.” Then she would have licked her lips, winked and walked right the fuck off.

Bike trek-the end

Well I made it back alive. The return trip sucked ass. I had a nice
buzz going for the first half hour but then I ran out of water and got
dehydrated. So now my feet/knees hurt and I've got a wicked headache.

Bike trek-new hope

I'm having lunch at the Triumph brewpub because...well...I'm an
alcoholic...I thought we established that already.

Bike trek-new hope

Well I made it to new hope and boy are my arms tired. Wait...wrong joke.

Riding trek-Washington's Crossing

Made it out of Trenton. The trail gets better the farther away you
get. Surprisingly less crackheads on the trail also.

Riding trek-On the train

I didn't say I was riding the whole way. Whatr'u nuts?

Bicycle Trek

I'm riding up to New Hope today because i'm on leave and I cut the
glass yesterday. This will be the farthest I'm ridden from the house
so well see how it goes. All blogging will be from the iPhone so
spelling might be an issue.

I have to ride through Trenton so if you never hear from me again I
probably got mugged for my cool new bike.

It's Funny/Scary because it's True

via Tasty Booze

The New F***ing Citibank - watch more funny videos

It’s like comparing Apples and Santa Claus

I’m sure I’ll get stomped on for this, but there are few things in this world that annoy me more than the whole “Darwinism” versus Creationism debate. It cannot be discussed rationally.

First of all, use of the word “Darwinism” is a ploy by the creationists because frankly, Darwin got a lot of shit wrong. You know why? Because On the Origin of Species was written in 18fucking59! How about the 150 years of science since?

Secondly, creationists will always and forever have the Almighty trump card…faith. I have never, ever, ever heard of a discussion with a creationist where they didn’t eventually whip out that faith card. There’s no comeback for it; it is unbeatable.

I will now entertain any and all comments.

Wait…let me get prepared.

* inserts fingers in ears *

La la la la la la la la la la la...faith...la la la la la la la la la…

Headlines

- I have lost 35 lbs since the beginning of the year. I still need to lose 26 more to get my BMI where it’s supposed to be, but I’ve kind of hit a wall here at the 215 mark. I figure I’ve got two choices. I can quit drinking or I can cut one of my legs off at the knee. I’m leaning toward the leg idea because the benefits are really two fold: 1) I’ll quickly lose about 20 lbs and 2) my daily run will be all the more difficult thus increasing my heart rate and overall workout.

- I have to go into work 2 hours early today (and no, I won’t get off 2 hours early) for the annual Sexual Assault Prevention and Response training. They segregate the classes by sex, so men and women aren’t in the same ones. I don’t how the women’s class goes, but last year they just bitched for 2 hours and yelled at us to stop raping people. Apparently, the training is working because I didn’t rape anyone last year.

- Smitty, I’m not really going to cut off my leg.

- If you clicked over to the sexual assault website did you notice anything funny about the picture? The two women are white and the two men are black. You know, if I was a minority I’d probably be offended. But I’m not, so I’m not.

- I’m currently reading Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson. I don’t have anything funny to say about it. I just wanted you to know that I’m not all swear words and asshole jokes.

- The Pittsburgh Penguins beat the Carolina Hurricanes last night 3-2 to take a one game lead in the Eastern finals. Did anyone (besides coolchick) not see this coming? Let me just go on record as saying that if your hockey team is based in a state where water does not freeze naturally at any time during the year, your team sucks.

That is all. Please continue your day.

That’s It. I Quit.

I didn’t get any Rule 5 linky love this weekend, so I’ve decided to quit blogging and kill myself because I obviously suck monkey ass.

Gotcha!!

Although, I am serious about not getting any love for my Rule 5 post last week. What I did get was this comment from Smitty, Almighty Keeper of the Linky Love:

Bob, you may call me a loser and a wuss, but I'm going to pass on doing a Rule 5 Sunday link here.
Cheers,
Chris

First of all, I don’t use language like “loser” and “wuss” here at BBG.

“Loser” implies someone is not a “winner”. Aren’t we all winners in the game of life, Smitty? Aren’t we?

“Wuss”, on the other hand, is just partially cleaned up slang for a woman’s vagina and dammit Smitty, that’s where babies come from! It’s a beautiful thing and to use it in any sort of derogatory way is just like slapping God in the mouth. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Second, who the fuck is Chris? I thought your name was Smitty.

Rectum?

...damn near killed 'em.

Obama Graph

Shouldn’t there be something in there about Michelle and whatever the fuck she happens to be wearing at the time?

via Graph Jam

America, Fuck yeah!

Some young punk stopped me once, while I was in uniform, to ask me why I was willing to die for a country that didn’t really care about me. I got two words for you shithead…

Bikini. Parade.



Goddamn, I love this country.

Next up…

…we’ll be speaking with White House correspondent Mike Hunt.

via Busted Coverage.

Friday WTF!

"Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee"

via Banned in Hollywood

Caps go down like a Truck-Stop Hooker

If you happen to suck, then you probably don’t know that the Pittsburgh Penguins advanced to the Eastern finals last night with an ass-whoopin’ 6-2 win over that fucking commie Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals.

Pretty boy Crosby wracked up 2 more goals and everyone else on the team, including the zamboni driver, had a shot at a goal as the Caps completely fell apart. Mad props to Miroslav Satan for his two assists and also for having the most metal name in all of hockey.

Get to the Choppa

I don’t care how shitty your day is going; if you can’t laugh at this, there’s something wrong with you. Oh, and…it’s not a tooma.

Slayer

Did I mention I got pit tickets for Slayer at Mayhem Fest? I seriously can’t wait. Seeing as how the concert is one week before I head to Candyland, I thought Eyes of the Insane would be appropriate.

Are we still Offending Feminists?

Is National Offend a Feminist Week over already?

I know I’m usually a day late and a dollar short, but this should still piss somebody off.



Via Busted Coverage

For some reason, around the 1:29 mark I started chucking dollars at my monitor.

Goddamn Celebrities

The recent talk about that bitch Janeane Garofalo just reminds me all the more about how we care so much what fucking celebrities think.

So in protest, this week’s Rule 5 post is someone of relative anonymity…

…my next door neighbor, Mrs. Pendergast.

Please do not attempt to contact Mrs. Pendergast, because she told me once, in no uncertain terms, that she likes her privacy.

Good Old Days

Remember when this blog wasn’t all preachy and dramatic and it was just about a raging alcoholic and his sore balls after soccer practice.

I miss those days.

Abortion and the Mid Mon Valley

I went ahead and solved that pesky abortion issue. Well…technically I haven’t solved it yet, but I have one hell of a good plan.

Here’s the deal. I need some scientists to perfect an artificial uterus. That’s right, a fake womb. I recently came into a great deal of money (a shitload in fact) and I’ve decided to invest it in the field of ectogenesis. In my experience if you get the right people and right amount of money together in the same room, you can pretty much do whatever the fuck you want.

I’ve even done a little reading on the subject. Seems one Dr. Hung-Ching Liu had some success with this sort of thing back in 2002, but was forced to cut the experiments short due to the legal limits of in vitro fertilization (IVF) legislation.

Hmmm…I say it’s about time we get that shit back online. The way laws are getting overturned now-a-days, legislation shouldn’t be an issue. So if you happen to know any scientists that are currently looking for a grant to develop an artificial uterus, have them drop me a line.

Sound a little too Brave New Worldian for your tastes? Chill peoples. Think of the benefits.

Just suppose little Peggy Sue gets knocked up after the Autumn Gala Dance by the new stock boy with the wavy brown hair and the chin dimple. With the way shit is now, she can either “Juno” her way through her senior year of high school or she can head down to the clinic and have her problems vacu-sucked away. I propose an option #3. Safely remove the fetus and transplant him/her in the “BBG Artificial Bun Oven” (patent pending). There the child can be safely brought to term without having to infringe on anyone’s rights and/or choices. Presto.

So there you have it. All we need now is the actual technology.

Then I can start Phase II.

During Phase II, I will open a chain of abortion clinics in the north eastern United States because, hey, nobody gets knocked up like the teen daughters of liberal New Englanders. Then when little Peggy Sue comes in for an abortion, my specially trained team of doctors will secretly remove the fetus and place him/her in the “BBG Artificial Bun Oven” (patent pending) with Peggy Sue none the wiser. She’ll think her problem is solved and I’ll have saved a life. Everybody’s happy.

That’s when we get to my favorite Phase. Phase III.

During Phase III, I will use my saved fetuses to form an army of untraceable super-soldiers. Once removed from the mothers, the fetuses will be transported inside the “BBG Artificial Bun Oven” (patent pending) to a special compound I’ve secured in the Allegany National Forest. Inside this state-of-the-art facility they will be gestated, birthed, raised and finally molded into elite fighting units and since the mothers will think their babies are dead, I won’t have anyone asking any embarrassing questions like “Where’s my kid?” and “Why do you keep taking my kid?”

So where am I going with all this? Well I’ll tell you…Connellsville, PA. Once formed, I plan to march my army of unwanted supermen/women down through Punxsutawney, along the western edge of the Appalachian Mountains and straight into Connellsville. From there I plan the launch the first of many attacks which will gain me complete control of the land between the Monongahela and Youghiogheny Rivers south to a straight line between Connellsville and Brownsville.

And I will name this new country of unwanted children…Bobsylvania. And I will be their king.

Lamb of God Concert

Went to the LoG concert this past weekend in Philly and I got to say, it was pretty badass. I had to get the Wife pumped full of alcohol before I could get her onto the floor, but it was well worth the wait. I’ve seen LoG a bunch of times but this show was by far the best and I think it was because of the smaller venue.

I even got a front row spot for Black Label and the Wall of Death.



Believe me, there is no better way to deal with repressed high school anxiety than beating up high school kids.

Contest

Ms. Maddalena raised an interesting question the other day in the comments for one of the lawyer posts about whether or not I will ever elaborate on my recent courtroom drama.

Not fucking likely.

But what does the truth really matter in the grand scheme of shit anyway? Not much. We all know that popular opinion is where the money’s made.

So I propose a contest, open to the public, to once and for all determine exactly why I was in court last week (based on some story I’m going to totally make up at a later date).

So if you have a good idea, an educated guess, or just some random fucking thought pops into your noggin’, go ahead and drop it in the comments.

Entries will be judged on accuracy, relevance, originality, humor, height, popularity, talent and swimsuit.

A distinguished panel of judges and I will pick a winner in each category and then an overall champion will be voted on by you during a live televised event this fall during sweeps week.

And what could the prize be for such a glorious achievement? You guessed it, a brand new car. A 2010 Chevy Camaro* to be exact.

So send in those guesses early and often, because your twisted opinion of me might just be enough to get you driving in style.

*Grand prize may be substituted at a later date by a swift kick in the balls or a punch in the left tit, depending on how the winner rolls.

Other McCainalanche

Mad Props to Smitty and Bob McCain for the Rule 5 love. That position, second on the list, dodecatupled my daily traffic. Your generosity will not be forgotten when I take my rightful place.

Got a Call from the Lawyer this Morning

I can’t give you the specifics, but the following clip sums up my feelings on the matter quite nicely.

It’s as if God Himself is giving me permission

So what would you do?

As some of you may know, there is a certain individual for whom I have what you may call a strong dislike.

Over time, I have also, inextricably been handed all sorts of information about this guy.

I currently have:
- his name,
- his home and work address,
- his home phone, work phone and cell phone numbers,
- his work email, home email and secret home email addresses,
- and his credit card number. I shit you not. I was in charge of a banquet, that he bought a ticket to…with his credit card.

Then yesterday, an extremely naive or impossibly generous paralegal read his social security number out loud over the phone not two feet from where I was sitting.

Can you say…integrity test?

Now, I don’t know a whole hell of a lot about identity theft, but…I mean…come on. At this point I’d be willing to bet the Fates would have gift-wrapped his mother’s maiden name for me if I didn’t happen to know for a fact that he was actually shit out by Lucifer’s retarded cousin-in-law.

Take that, doubters.

See, I was right…kinda.

…the President stated, "We hope to use the Hive and other facilities to efficiently finish what Umbrella began: and that's the creation of a zombieized America that needs very little to live on - except for human flesh and we're working on that."
- Via Interesting News Item

24 hrs…or so

1500 – started drinking Dead Guy and Arrogant Bastard…i.e. Dead Arrogant Bastard

1830ish – passed out cold

2316 – woke up; stayed up

0755 – sent The Angel to school

0855 – took my seat outside the courtroom

1121 – walked in and died a little more inside

1145 – retook my seat outside the courtroom

1520 – excused

1607 – started drinking Dead Guy and Arrogant Bastard…i.e. Dead Arrogant Bastard

Why?

Pink is writing a story for school about a girl who makes a difficult choice.

That’s why I live with so much pain…for her.

Power

There exists a limit to the force even the most powerful may apply without destroying themselves…Misuse of power is the fatal sin…You cannot threaten any individual and escape the consequences.
- Dune Messiah

For Mike

You know why…

He who controls the spice, really ties the room together

The powers that be sent out another general order the other day with a list of prohibited intoxicating substances and at the top of the list was this little gem:

…hereby prohibited from engaging in…

a. Possessing, distributing, inhaling, smoking, chewing, consuming, or introducing into the body in any manner Salvia Divinorum, Salvinorin A, or the intoxicant “spice” in any form;

Spice? Did I read that right? Spice is prohibited?

…but, but, but…

The spice extends life. The spice expands consciousness. The spice is vital to space travel.

What the fuck?

This aggression will not stand, man. This is what happens, Larry. This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass! Long live the fighters!

Ouch…I think I just gave myself stoner-movie whiplash.

This is a very complicated case, Maude. You know, a lotta ins, a lotta outs, a lotta what-have-yous.

Alright…knock it off. I had a fucking point here. I just don’t remember what it was…oh yeah…

Nobody fucks with The Jesus…or the Kwisatz Haderach!

Swine Flu Zombie Outbreak Rule 5 Update

Since I’m going to just keep beating this horse until it’s a pulpy, bloody mess…

…and you all know I’m gonna…

…here’s Milla Jovovich in all her Rule 5 Swine Flu Zombie Killin’ hotness.

Swine Flu Zombie Tip #47

According to The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks,

“The trench spike is, without a doubt, the best compact anti-zombie weapon on earth…It was developed during the vicious hand-to-hand combat of World War I, where soldiers killed each other in trenches no wider than a few feet. Specifically, it was designed to stab downward, through an enemy’s steel helmet. You can imagine how effective this weapon would be against a zombie.”

Beware of knockoff “trench knives” that can be purchased at most five and dime army-navy stores.

You need the real deal.

Good hunting.

Pictures courtesy of the The American Edged Weaponry Museum.

Swine Flu Zombie Update

In a feeble attempt to prepare a totally unprepared American public for the impending Swine Flu Zombie outbreak, the government has commissioned a thinly veiled training scenario in the form of a video gaming product. Details below.




While I applaud the government for the effort, the specifics of the training might be a little too advanced for the average citizen. Strapping chainsaws to a dirt bike is a great idea, but how many Americans know that a two-cycle chainsaw engine requires an oil-fuel mixture to run properly?