Abortion and the Mid Mon Valley

I went ahead and solved that pesky abortion issue. Well…technically I haven’t solved it yet, but I have one hell of a good plan.

Here’s the deal. I need some scientists to perfect an artificial uterus. That’s right, a fake womb. I recently came into a great deal of money (a shitload in fact) and I’ve decided to invest it in the field of ectogenesis. In my experience if you get the right people and right amount of money together in the same room, you can pretty much do whatever the fuck you want.

I’ve even done a little reading on the subject. Seems one Dr. Hung-Ching Liu had some success with this sort of thing back in 2002, but was forced to cut the experiments short due to the legal limits of in vitro fertilization (IVF) legislation.

Hmmm…I say it’s about time we get that shit back online. The way laws are getting overturned now-a-days, legislation shouldn’t be an issue. So if you happen to know any scientists that are currently looking for a grant to develop an artificial uterus, have them drop me a line.

Sound a little too Brave New Worldian for your tastes? Chill peoples. Think of the benefits.

Just suppose little Peggy Sue gets knocked up after the Autumn Gala Dance by the new stock boy with the wavy brown hair and the chin dimple. With the way shit is now, she can either “Juno” her way through her senior year of high school or she can head down to the clinic and have her problems vacu-sucked away. I propose an option #3. Safely remove the fetus and transplant him/her in the “BBG Artificial Bun Oven” (patent pending). There the child can be safely brought to term without having to infringe on anyone’s rights and/or choices. Presto.

So there you have it. All we need now is the actual technology.

Then I can start Phase II.

During Phase II, I will open a chain of abortion clinics in the north eastern United States because, hey, nobody gets knocked up like the teen daughters of liberal New Englanders. Then when little Peggy Sue comes in for an abortion, my specially trained team of doctors will secretly remove the fetus and place him/her in the “BBG Artificial Bun Oven” (patent pending) with Peggy Sue none the wiser. She’ll think her problem is solved and I’ll have saved a life. Everybody’s happy.

That’s when we get to my favorite Phase. Phase III.

During Phase III, I will use my saved fetuses to form an army of untraceable super-soldiers. Once removed from the mothers, the fetuses will be transported inside the “BBG Artificial Bun Oven” (patent pending) to a special compound I’ve secured in the Allegany National Forest. Inside this state-of-the-art facility they will be gestated, birthed, raised and finally molded into elite fighting units and since the mothers will think their babies are dead, I won’t have anyone asking any embarrassing questions like “Where’s my kid?” and “Why do you keep taking my kid?”

So where am I going with all this? Well I’ll tell you…Connellsville, PA. Once formed, I plan to march my army of unwanted supermen/women down through Punxsutawney, along the western edge of the Appalachian Mountains and straight into Connellsville. From there I plan the launch the first of many attacks which will gain me complete control of the land between the Monongahela and Youghiogheny Rivers south to a straight line between Connellsville and Brownsville.

And I will name this new country of unwanted children…Bobsylvania. And I will be their king.