Apple

I don’t really have anything against the Apple Corporation personally. I haven’t used an Apple computer since forth grade library, but I do have an iPod and an iPhone and they are both outstanding tools.

But…

…where in the fuck did they get the idea to call their tech support people “Geniuses”? Really? Genius?

So after going to the ATT store where I bought the phone and being told I have to make an appointment for the next day at the Apple store which is 45 minutes away, then I hit traffic and it took me over an hour to get there so I missed my 1:10 appointment by ten minutes causing the tech support punk to say “Well, I hope the next people are late cause you’re cutting into their time.”

I said, “Listen genius…”

And what was their genius level fix? Completely reset the phone so I get to spend three hours this afternoon reloading apps, pics and music back on my phone.

Thanks Genius

Best Pants Shitting Story...Ever

Thanks Tasty Booze

Bob got a Fancy New Computer

Eleven More Days…

…’til Slayer comes to town. Somebody’s gettin’ fucked up.

Let’s Focus on the Big Picture People…

…or rather the exact opposite. Remember what’s important.

Happiness
Sanity
Family
Health
Love
Music
…and Beer.

“How quickly I forget that this is meaningless.”

Hmmmm…Interesting

I think Ol’ Doug Donaldson over at American Power is trying to pick a fight with me.

This is the second time he’s linked me in an effort to make himself look better, by making me out to be some kind of a scumbag.

Guess what Doug? My regular readers already know I’m a scumbag. That’s why they come back.

Rule 5

This week’s rule 5 is dedicated to the biggest tits in Hollywood:

Thanks Man-o-fest.

…hmmm…no I really don’t think there’s anything to add. The tits pretty much say it all.

Combat Training Tip #47

You’ve got your body armor on and snugged down nice and tight…

You’ve got your helmet seated just right on your noggin…

You’ve got a thick layer of bug spray sportin’…

You’ve got plenty of water, as well as extra ammo…

You’re pretty much all set.

Just remember, when you break ranks and dive for cover on that dirt and gravel berm…

…you’ll wish you’d taken your keys out of your pocket.

Busy, Busy, Headlines

- Like I said, I just got back from vacation. I’m ready for another one. I kinda need one that will last for the next 47.2 years…or so.

- I have 650 hours worth of shit to do and only 624 hours in which to get it done.

- I tried the best beer in the world the other day. Stone Thirteenth Anniversary Ale. I had three glasses and jizzed twice.

- You know when you’re reassembling your M16 and you pinch your finger between the bolt and the bolt carrier and then the cut fills with CLP because that shit just gets everywhere? I hate that.

- Apparently a fake post I did a while back about spying on my neighbor is being mentioned in the same breath as some bitch I don’t know being taped dropping a deuce or some such. I don’t really care, but I am getting some wicked high traffic from some pissed off conservatives.

- You know when you pour a beer too fast and the head threatens to overrun the rim of the glass so you have to suck the foam off the top real fast. Do you spit that mouthful out or just suck it up and swallow?

- My elbows hurt.

- I’m currently reading Moby Dick for the first time. Is it just me or is that Ahab kind of a prick?

- I’m pretty busy for the next few weeks then I’m headed to Afghanistan for awhile so posting might be on the light side, if you know what I mean.

- Peace…but not really.

The Bobman returneth

Good afternoon! faithful followers from the far-off and wild internet-i-scapes and world-wide-webias. Hark! and bringeth forth glad tidings of joy and many beers. I have returned!

I just got back from vacation and boy are my arms tired (snare, snare, cymbal). No, seriously they’re killing me; I think I pulled something.

The family unit and I hiked all over the back woods of New York (the good part of the state, not the part with fucking New Yorkers). Then we lounged the night away by the fire, pounding brewskis and stuffing our greedy pie-holes with all the s’mores we could s’more.

I’d write more, but we’re heading out to Don Pablo’s for tacos y burritos.

I’ll fulfill all your wishes with my taco flavored kisses. Taco, Taco. Burrito, Burrito.

Peace

Steve McNair

I really don’t care about this other than to comment on:

…the ugliness of the entire situation may very well overshadow the greatness he achieved on the field.

Really?…”may very well overshadow…”?

When your stripper mistress shoots you in your head…twice, you are no longer a MVP or a Pro Bowler, you’re a fucking punch line. Like if you compare someone to OJ, it’s probably not because of his running back skills. It’s more likely for his knife handling skills.

pic via Busted Coverage

Asspeartastic Rule 5

I don’t know who this lovely young woman is and frankly I don’t care, but I do appreciate the balance and aesthetics (assthetics) of the photograph.

Just sit back and fully realize the way the under-ass is in perfect equilibrium with the side-boob. This is true artistry on film. *single tear

Biggest Fan

Apparently Pittsburg, CA also has a team called the Steelers.

Happy Fuck You, England Weekend

I know The Fourth is still a few days off, but today is the start of my weekend and I’s gots chillin’ to do later.

I find Independence Day to be one of the few holidays that I can really appreciate. It’s impressive when any group of people tells their leaders that their services are no longer needed. And yea, you can give me that line about the Founding Fathers being a bunch of white slave owners, who didn’t want to pay their taxes, but they pulled it off…didn’t they? I mean…hey, I don’t currently own any slaves, but I’m white and I sure as fuck don’t want to pay my taxes. If I know my history, all I need is a well written Virginian with jungle fever, a nerdy guy who drinks beer and comes up with good quotes and a tall guy with wooden teeth. Next thing you know, we’ll be crammin’ our pie-holes with ambrosia fruit salad on Bobsylvania Day. Hmmmm…ambrosia.

On a lighter, more realistic note…

We are headed to AC this weekend for the Clutch concert at the House of Blues. Then a BBQ at a friend’s on Saturday. Should be nice. We got a room and are just planning on lounging at the beach all day Friday til the concert, then stagger back to the crib after the show.

By the way, sorry for not updating regularly any more. I’ve had what you might call a “change of outlook on life” and it’s taking me in a new direction. I basically took all the nicest, happiest parts from about five different religions and tossed out all the gods, myths, fairy tales, guilt and that “do unto others” crap. What you end up with is pretty fucking sweet. I’ll let you know how it goes, but I gotta say…I’ve never been this at peace in my life.

Happy BBQ

Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson walk into a bar…

…and the bartender didn’t say anything because he had died from a punch line overdose.

The Tao of Bob

I have discovered over the past few days that I have no desire to write. I’ve thought about it and I suppose I usually write something to you when I’m either upset/bothered/angry/peeved/ about something or if I’m trying to extract some measure of reaction from you through humor.

Lately though…I don’t care. I really and truly don’t care.



I wrote a whole big long thing about the whys and wherefors, but then I decided that I don’t need to explain myself to you.

You should just be happy that I’m finally happy…

…and if you’re not, I don’t care.

The View from my "Office"

Merry Baby Daddy Day

Hello Faithful Few.

Well I made it back last night about 1 AM. Just to give you a little (very little) insight into my week, I twisted my back to the point that I can barely bend at the waist, my left forearm is completely bruised up and I lost ten pounds in five days. Goddamn but I love combat training!

I’m going to spend the rest of the day with the family doing absolutely nothing.

Peace. (Not really...job security and all)

No Rule 5 this week

I had a fuckin' sweet Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins rule 5
post all lined up with multiple supple, tan, daddy-issue-having, semi-
nude Pens fans, but verizon is determined to make me it's bitch by
fucking up my Internet connection and therefore reducing me to writing
this incredible long and ultimately pointless sentence from my iPhone.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Posting may be sporadic, if not nonexistent, for the next week and a half or so on account of I got some work shit brewing. You know how the GWOT is making us all millionaires?

Now that I think about it, it’s not GWOT anymore is it? It’s OCO.

Hmmmm...I’m not too sure about that one. Sounds too much like EIEIO.

So in the words of the one of the greatest public speakers of our time...

"No sir. I don’t like it."



Just remember, if we ever actually attained world peace, my only job would be taking rice to families with 15 children that are too weak to move out of the fucking desert, but apparently not so hungry that they can’t keep shitting out kids.

Internets Go Bye-Bye

I'm having wicked connectivity issues due to Verizon's plan to motivate me to switch to Fios. I guess they figure if they just keep fucking up the DSL, I'll eventually upgrade. Obviously they failed to recognize my superhuman ability to put up with shit.

Learn Something New Everyday

You know, I have a daughter and I thought the only thing I had to teach her was the whole “front to back” deal, but apparently it’s a little more involved than that.

You ladies might want to grab a pen and paper before you hit play.

The Black Dahlia Murder

Since TBDM is touring with Slayer this summer on the Mayhem Fest, I figure I’ll send them some love.

The band just released a new DVD, Majesty, which is pretty fucking sweet. Two discs, the first one is all documentary and the second has concert footage and videos. I learned a lot about them from the documentary. Like, no matter how much weed some people smoke, they can still play guitar better than me.

Here’s the video for A Vulgar Picture. For you squares that won’t bother to learn the words, let me just tell you, it’s a really sweet “love” song. Like when I guy still loves his dead wife so much he digs up her body and…you know…( finger poking through hole motion)…chicka-bow-wow. (hip thrusting motion) Do I need to paint you a fucking* picture?







*pun intended

Elif air ab tizak!

This is the most useful post I’ve read all day!

Rule 5

This week’s Rule 5 hotness is none other than Mythbuster Kari Byron.

As you may or may not know, Ms. Byron has a huge fan following of the nerdicus persuasion. In fact, she currently ranks #3 behind (the all time leader) Metal Bikini Princess Leia and the creepy H. R. Giger Alien Chick for most often utilized nerd spankin’ material.

Now that I think about it, I wonder what the over/under would be on the IQ point differential between your average Kari Byron ‘bater and say, your average Britney Spears ‘bater.

It’s got to be 30 points easy.

Gym

I just joined a gym
Now my ballsack hurts again
Ahh. The good old days

Headlines

Going back to work after taking vacation time murders part of your soul. I’m beginning to see the benefits of becoming a drifter/hobo. I really don’t think I could wear three coats at the same time though.

I went through the Big Box o’Pictures the other day and took out all the floppy picture disks, saved them to the hard drive and then backed them up on a single cd. 1205 pictures and it only took up 74 MB. I hate technology. In 25 years I’ll be able to take all the accumulated knowledge of the greatest minds in history, put it on a chip, inside a pill and shove it up a monkey’s ass just for the fuck of it.

Don’t mind me; I’m grouchy from tearing apart picture disks so I can safely throw them away. God knows I don’t want my wiener on the internet or even worse, a picture of me in parachute pants.

I’m currently reading 1776 by David McCullough. I’m always incredibly impressed whenever I read about important historical events and the people that pulled off those events. But then by comparison, I’m always incredibly disappointed in the “important” figures of my own time. Pussies.

The yard sale went well, but I didn’t get rid of as much stuff as I would have liked. Almost anything that didn’t sell got put on the curb for Monday morning trash. I gave Pink the 5 lb sledge and told her to go to work on everything in the “curb” pile. Hey, I’m not giving the shit away to the Sunday night trash pickers. I gotta say, I was pretty impressed. That girl can swing a fucking mallet. I’ll have to remember that if I ever need someone’s knees worked on.

I’m thinking about kicking out some more sci-fi short stories. I’ve got a few rattling around in my melon, but I’m not too sure. It didn’t go very well last time. Imagine my fucked up sense of humor and lack of grammatical skills with the addition of zombies and naked chicks with tentacles…or zombie naked chicks…or just straight up naked chicks. Maybe I should just write porn.

Random randomness

So there I be. Drunk ok drinkedness trying to type ad fast ad possible
on the old iPhone just to see what find of shit comes out the othe end.

I'm manning the yard same alone and I'm not to ducking happy about it.
I did sell a ton of shit but not rraly enoughvto put a deny in the
barge.

God I love text.

Peace fuckrts.

Buy my shit

I thought I told you fuckers to buy some of my shit. There is no
fucking way I'm putting this shit back in my garage. I swear to baby
Jesus I'm going to burn the whole lot in the back yard tonight.

Beer Quiz

My buddy Fauve challenged me to a Beer quiz and I’m sorry to say, I failed miserably, but I do have the excuse that I’m pretty fucked up at the moment. Hey, don’t judge me, So you think you can Dance is on and you can’t tell me that anyone watches that shit sober.

Boobs and Pussy

The title says it all; this week’s Rule 5 post is nothing but Boobs and Pussy:


via Manofest via Sublime Directory

Please buy my crap

Did I tell you guys we’re having a yard sale this weekend?

Yea. I’ve been getting ready for it for about a month now and one thing has become painfully clear to me over that month.

I’ve got a shitload of crap.

During my cleaning, sorting and general piling up of crap to sell I’ve divided everything into four groups:

1. Crap we use. This crap is not being sold.

2. Crap we haven’t used in the last year. A lot of this crap is being sold, but there are also a lot of keepsakes in this group.

3. Crap we haven’t used since we moved here five years ago. This is the biggest group of crap and all of it is getting sold.

4. Crap we never even bothered to unpack when we moved here five years ago. I shit you not; this crap was still in the moving boxes.

I really, really need to get rid of some of this because I’m running out of room to put new crap and I can’t buy a bigger house with the way the market is. So if you happen to know where I live, please come buy some of my crap.

Metal Affirmations

I hate everyone equally

You can't tear that out of me

No segregation -separation

Just me in my world of enemies
- Disciple

Only 71 days ‘til Slayer and I have an issue with which you may be able to help.

When do I pick up the sacrificial lamb?

Too early and you end up having to feed the damn thing right up until the concert. Too late and you run the risk of them running out of lambs and you end up getting stuck with a goat.

Trust me; you don’t want to show up to a lamb slaughter with a fucking goat. That’s like going to a wine tasting with a bottle of Boones Farm Strawberry Hill. I’ve got some couth.

Suggestions would be appreciated.

Metal Affirmations

Everything around me decays
Rapes my eyes
Screams never silence the pain
Make you my canvas of pure, fresh, flesh
-Scarstruck

72 days ‘til Slayer. I think I’m getting a little wood.

This is what gays want in on?

Homosexuals should be glad they can’t get married because it only leads to shit like this:

"Pimp daddy Marvin Frazer here was recently arrested on bigamy charges for being married to two women. His first wife bailed on him back in 2003 and after hearing from her parents that they were divorced he got remarried in 2007."

Then this poor dumb bastard has to pay for the actual divorce after spending four days in jail.

Homos, you don’t know how good you have it.

Finally…

…a beer company that understands me.


Attention other marketing people. Look, I don’t need Swedish bikini models, iconic sports figures, racecars or partying canines. And I sure as fuck don’t need a beer that only has 64 calories, but this here is a marketing plan that works.

I can’t tell you nice it is to finally find a beer that validates my desire to start drinking as early in the day as possible. God bless you, Cricket Hill Brewing Co…God bless. (single tear)

Prop 8 = Don’t Care

Apparently gay people can’t get married in California.

If someone put a shotgun to my head and threatened to spackle the wall with my brains if I didn’t care less about this issue, the only thing I would wonder about is what grit of sandpaper my wife would need to use on my medulla oblongata to get the paint to lay flat.

I would like to point out that if the chucklehead in the sunglasses really cared about gay rights he’d be holding his sign right side up, but we all know he’s just there to bang his gay friend’s straight girlfriend. Gay rallies are a great place to meet chicks. You look like you’re sensitive and care about the issues and there’s very little competition.

Weekend with the Folks

I’m always wrong.

If I was afraid I might get Alzheimer’s some day and need one of my kids to put me in a nice care facility, I’d kiss their ass a little more.

Every decision I’ve ever made was wrong.

Any success I’ve ever had in life was either a result of their intervention or pure luck.

I would rather be deployed than visit my parents. You can shoot the enemy.

It is really, really hard to find alcohol on Sunday in Western Pennsylvania.

I don’t care how old and sick they get, there is no fucking way either of them is moving in with me.

Yes, I know I have a great kid. Because I am raising her the exact opposite to the way I was raised.

My parents will take any opportunity to complain about how hard it was to raise four kids.

My mom regrets the fact that I wasn’t born retarded because she got German measles when she was pregnant with me. She’d get more attention that way and the women at church would all talk about what a great mother she is for taking care of her retarded son.

I don’t owe them shit.

Rule 5

Ok, ok, ok…I learned my lesson from last week. No more creepy pictures of people you don’t know. So this week I’m going with a sweetheart that everyone knows and loves…

Stacey Scowley

What? Don’t tell me you don’t remember this Kia commercial with the cute-pouty-lipped-blonde hotness. That’s Stacey and I’m a card carrying member of her fan club.

Post just for coolchick

GO PENS!!!!

Two Girls and a Cup of Controversy

Smitty over at The Other McCain sent me this link from Cassy Fiano about some new Quizno’s commercial that has feminists up in arms. (ad below)

Feminists that are pissed off? There’s a fucking surprise.

…thought it was meant to be a joke. Which, yes, it is. But that doesn’t mean it’s a good one.

My response to him: I’m sort of sick of people thinking they’re making a joke while using all of the same antiquated conventions of the thing they’re making fun of, i.e. objectifying women, promoting perfectionist body standards, fetishistizing blondes and Asians, making a mockery of actual female sexuality etc. etc. etc.

It’s not funny. It’s like white people making fun of racism by peddling in racist stereotypes.

Blah, blah, blah, crap, crap, blah, blah

Look woman, they are not trying to be funny. They are trying to sell fucking sandwiches to men who are watching the Playboy channel.

My biggest issues with this commercial are that first of all they are playing off a pop culture reference that is old and already played out. They might as well have the blonde ask “Where’s the beef?” between felatious bites.

Second, they put way too much effort into this commercial considering their target audience is men that are actually paying for the Playboy channel and thus too stupid to realize there’s this little thing call the “internet” where you can get all the porn you can handle and then some for free.

If I’d had written this commercial, there would have been just one woman (with bigger tits) who spoke directly into the camera and said, “I really like guys who eat Quizno’s sandwiches.” Then she would have licked her lips, winked and walked right the fuck off.

Bike trek-the end

Well I made it back alive. The return trip sucked ass. I had a nice
buzz going for the first half hour but then I ran out of water and got
dehydrated. So now my feet/knees hurt and I've got a wicked headache.

Bike trek-new hope

I'm having lunch at the Triumph brewpub because...well...I'm an
alcoholic...I thought we established that already.

Bike trek-new hope

Well I made it to new hope and boy are my arms tired. Wait...wrong joke.

Riding trek-Washington's Crossing

Made it out of Trenton. The trail gets better the farther away you
get. Surprisingly less crackheads on the trail also.

Riding trek-On the train

I didn't say I was riding the whole way. Whatr'u nuts?

Bicycle Trek

I'm riding up to New Hope today because i'm on leave and I cut the
glass yesterday. This will be the farthest I'm ridden from the house
so well see how it goes. All blogging will be from the iPhone so
spelling might be an issue.

I have to ride through Trenton so if you never hear from me again I
probably got mugged for my cool new bike.

It's Funny/Scary because it's True

via Tasty Booze

The New F***ing Citibank - watch more funny videos

It’s like comparing Apples and Santa Claus

I’m sure I’ll get stomped on for this, but there are few things in this world that annoy me more than the whole “Darwinism” versus Creationism debate. It cannot be discussed rationally.

First of all, use of the word “Darwinism” is a ploy by the creationists because frankly, Darwin got a lot of shit wrong. You know why? Because On the Origin of Species was written in 18fucking59! How about the 150 years of science since?

Secondly, creationists will always and forever have the Almighty trump card…faith. I have never, ever, ever heard of a discussion with a creationist where they didn’t eventually whip out that faith card. There’s no comeback for it; it is unbeatable.

I will now entertain any and all comments.

Wait…let me get prepared.

* inserts fingers in ears *

La la la la la la la la la la la...faith...la la la la la la la la la…

Headlines

- I have lost 35 lbs since the beginning of the year. I still need to lose 26 more to get my BMI where it’s supposed to be, but I’ve kind of hit a wall here at the 215 mark. I figure I’ve got two choices. I can quit drinking or I can cut one of my legs off at the knee. I’m leaning toward the leg idea because the benefits are really two fold: 1) I’ll quickly lose about 20 lbs and 2) my daily run will be all the more difficult thus increasing my heart rate and overall workout.

- I have to go into work 2 hours early today (and no, I won’t get off 2 hours early) for the annual Sexual Assault Prevention and Response training. They segregate the classes by sex, so men and women aren’t in the same ones. I don’t how the women’s class goes, but last year they just bitched for 2 hours and yelled at us to stop raping people. Apparently, the training is working because I didn’t rape anyone last year.

- Smitty, I’m not really going to cut off my leg.

- If you clicked over to the sexual assault website did you notice anything funny about the picture? The two women are white and the two men are black. You know, if I was a minority I’d probably be offended. But I’m not, so I’m not.

- I’m currently reading Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson. I don’t have anything funny to say about it. I just wanted you to know that I’m not all swear words and asshole jokes.

- The Pittsburgh Penguins beat the Carolina Hurricanes last night 3-2 to take a one game lead in the Eastern finals. Did anyone (besides coolchick) not see this coming? Let me just go on record as saying that if your hockey team is based in a state where water does not freeze naturally at any time during the year, your team sucks.

That is all. Please continue your day.

That’s It. I Quit.

I didn’t get any Rule 5 linky love this weekend, so I’ve decided to quit blogging and kill myself because I obviously suck monkey ass.

Gotcha!!

Although, I am serious about not getting any love for my Rule 5 post last week. What I did get was this comment from Smitty, Almighty Keeper of the Linky Love:

Bob, you may call me a loser and a wuss, but I'm going to pass on doing a Rule 5 Sunday link here.
Cheers,
Chris

First of all, I don’t use language like “loser” and “wuss” here at BBG.

“Loser” implies someone is not a “winner”. Aren’t we all winners in the game of life, Smitty? Aren’t we?

“Wuss”, on the other hand, is just partially cleaned up slang for a woman’s vagina and dammit Smitty, that’s where babies come from! It’s a beautiful thing and to use it in any sort of derogatory way is just like slapping God in the mouth. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Second, who the fuck is Chris? I thought your name was Smitty.

Rectum?

...damn near killed 'em.

Obama Graph

Shouldn’t there be something in there about Michelle and whatever the fuck she happens to be wearing at the time?

via Graph Jam

America, Fuck yeah!

Some young punk stopped me once, while I was in uniform, to ask me why I was willing to die for a country that didn’t really care about me. I got two words for you shithead…

Bikini. Parade.



Goddamn, I love this country.

Next up…

…we’ll be speaking with White House correspondent Mike Hunt.

via Busted Coverage.

Friday WTF!

"Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee"

via Banned in Hollywood

Caps go down like a Truck-Stop Hooker

If you happen to suck, then you probably don’t know that the Pittsburgh Penguins advanced to the Eastern finals last night with an ass-whoopin’ 6-2 win over that fucking commie Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals.

Pretty boy Crosby wracked up 2 more goals and everyone else on the team, including the zamboni driver, had a shot at a goal as the Caps completely fell apart. Mad props to Miroslav Satan for his two assists and also for having the most metal name in all of hockey.

Get to the Choppa

I don’t care how shitty your day is going; if you can’t laugh at this, there’s something wrong with you. Oh, and…it’s not a tooma.

Slayer

Did I mention I got pit tickets for Slayer at Mayhem Fest? I seriously can’t wait. Seeing as how the concert is one week before I head to Candyland, I thought Eyes of the Insane would be appropriate.

Are we still Offending Feminists?

Is National Offend a Feminist Week over already?

I know I’m usually a day late and a dollar short, but this should still piss somebody off.



Via Busted Coverage

For some reason, around the 1:29 mark I started chucking dollars at my monitor.

Goddamn Celebrities

The recent talk about that bitch Janeane Garofalo just reminds me all the more about how we care so much what fucking celebrities think.

So in protest, this week’s Rule 5 post is someone of relative anonymity…

…my next door neighbor, Mrs. Pendergast.

Please do not attempt to contact Mrs. Pendergast, because she told me once, in no uncertain terms, that she likes her privacy.

Good Old Days

Remember when this blog wasn’t all preachy and dramatic and it was just about a raging alcoholic and his sore balls after soccer practice.

I miss those days.

Abortion and the Mid Mon Valley

I went ahead and solved that pesky abortion issue. Well…technically I haven’t solved it yet, but I have one hell of a good plan.

Here’s the deal. I need some scientists to perfect an artificial uterus. That’s right, a fake womb. I recently came into a great deal of money (a shitload in fact) and I’ve decided to invest it in the field of ectogenesis. In my experience if you get the right people and right amount of money together in the same room, you can pretty much do whatever the fuck you want.

I’ve even done a little reading on the subject. Seems one Dr. Hung-Ching Liu had some success with this sort of thing back in 2002, but was forced to cut the experiments short due to the legal limits of in vitro fertilization (IVF) legislation.

Hmmm…I say it’s about time we get that shit back online. The way laws are getting overturned now-a-days, legislation shouldn’t be an issue. So if you happen to know any scientists that are currently looking for a grant to develop an artificial uterus, have them drop me a line.

Sound a little too Brave New Worldian for your tastes? Chill peoples. Think of the benefits.

Just suppose little Peggy Sue gets knocked up after the Autumn Gala Dance by the new stock boy with the wavy brown hair and the chin dimple. With the way shit is now, she can either “Juno” her way through her senior year of high school or she can head down to the clinic and have her problems vacu-sucked away. I propose an option #3. Safely remove the fetus and transplant him/her in the “BBG Artificial Bun Oven” (patent pending). There the child can be safely brought to term without having to infringe on anyone’s rights and/or choices. Presto.

So there you have it. All we need now is the actual technology.

Then I can start Phase II.

During Phase II, I will open a chain of abortion clinics in the north eastern United States because, hey, nobody gets knocked up like the teen daughters of liberal New Englanders. Then when little Peggy Sue comes in for an abortion, my specially trained team of doctors will secretly remove the fetus and place him/her in the “BBG Artificial Bun Oven” (patent pending) with Peggy Sue none the wiser. She’ll think her problem is solved and I’ll have saved a life. Everybody’s happy.

That’s when we get to my favorite Phase. Phase III.

During Phase III, I will use my saved fetuses to form an army of untraceable super-soldiers. Once removed from the mothers, the fetuses will be transported inside the “BBG Artificial Bun Oven” (patent pending) to a special compound I’ve secured in the Allegany National Forest. Inside this state-of-the-art facility they will be gestated, birthed, raised and finally molded into elite fighting units and since the mothers will think their babies are dead, I won’t have anyone asking any embarrassing questions like “Where’s my kid?” and “Why do you keep taking my kid?”

So where am I going with all this? Well I’ll tell you…Connellsville, PA. Once formed, I plan to march my army of unwanted supermen/women down through Punxsutawney, along the western edge of the Appalachian Mountains and straight into Connellsville. From there I plan the launch the first of many attacks which will gain me complete control of the land between the Monongahela and Youghiogheny Rivers south to a straight line between Connellsville and Brownsville.

And I will name this new country of unwanted children…Bobsylvania. And I will be their king.

Lamb of God Concert

Went to the LoG concert this past weekend in Philly and I got to say, it was pretty badass. I had to get the Wife pumped full of alcohol before I could get her onto the floor, but it was well worth the wait. I’ve seen LoG a bunch of times but this show was by far the best and I think it was because of the smaller venue.

I even got a front row spot for Black Label and the Wall of Death.



Believe me, there is no better way to deal with repressed high school anxiety than beating up high school kids.

Contest

Ms. Maddalena raised an interesting question the other day in the comments for one of the lawyer posts about whether or not I will ever elaborate on my recent courtroom drama.

Not fucking likely.

But what does the truth really matter in the grand scheme of shit anyway? Not much. We all know that popular opinion is where the money’s made.

So I propose a contest, open to the public, to once and for all determine exactly why I was in court last week (based on some story I’m going to totally make up at a later date).

So if you have a good idea, an educated guess, or just some random fucking thought pops into your noggin’, go ahead and drop it in the comments.

Entries will be judged on accuracy, relevance, originality, humor, height, popularity, talent and swimsuit.

A distinguished panel of judges and I will pick a winner in each category and then an overall champion will be voted on by you during a live televised event this fall during sweeps week.

And what could the prize be for such a glorious achievement? You guessed it, a brand new car. A 2010 Chevy Camaro* to be exact.

So send in those guesses early and often, because your twisted opinion of me might just be enough to get you driving in style.

*Grand prize may be substituted at a later date by a swift kick in the balls or a punch in the left tit, depending on how the winner rolls.

Other McCainalanche

Mad Props to Smitty and Bob McCain for the Rule 5 love. That position, second on the list, dodecatupled my daily traffic. Your generosity will not be forgotten when I take my rightful place.

Got a Call from the Lawyer this Morning

I can’t give you the specifics, but the following clip sums up my feelings on the matter quite nicely.

It’s as if God Himself is giving me permission

So what would you do?

As some of you may know, there is a certain individual for whom I have what you may call a strong dislike.

Over time, I have also, inextricably been handed all sorts of information about this guy.

I currently have:
- his name,
- his home and work address,
- his home phone, work phone and cell phone numbers,
- his work email, home email and secret home email addresses,
- and his credit card number. I shit you not. I was in charge of a banquet, that he bought a ticket to…with his credit card.

Then yesterday, an extremely naive or impossibly generous paralegal read his social security number out loud over the phone not two feet from where I was sitting.

Can you say…integrity test?

Now, I don’t know a whole hell of a lot about identity theft, but…I mean…come on. At this point I’d be willing to bet the Fates would have gift-wrapped his mother’s maiden name for me if I didn’t happen to know for a fact that he was actually shit out by Lucifer’s retarded cousin-in-law.

Take that, doubters.

See, I was right…kinda.

…the President stated, "We hope to use the Hive and other facilities to efficiently finish what Umbrella began: and that's the creation of a zombieized America that needs very little to live on - except for human flesh and we're working on that."
- Via Interesting News Item

24 hrs…or so

1500 – started drinking Dead Guy and Arrogant Bastard…i.e. Dead Arrogant Bastard

1830ish – passed out cold

2316 – woke up; stayed up

0755 – sent The Angel to school

0855 – took my seat outside the courtroom

1121 – walked in and died a little more inside

1145 – retook my seat outside the courtroom

1520 – excused

1607 – started drinking Dead Guy and Arrogant Bastard…i.e. Dead Arrogant Bastard

Why?

Pink is writing a story for school about a girl who makes a difficult choice.

That’s why I live with so much pain…for her.

Power

There exists a limit to the force even the most powerful may apply without destroying themselves…Misuse of power is the fatal sin…You cannot threaten any individual and escape the consequences.
- Dune Messiah

For Mike

You know why…

He who controls the spice, really ties the room together

The powers that be sent out another general order the other day with a list of prohibited intoxicating substances and at the top of the list was this little gem:

…hereby prohibited from engaging in…

a. Possessing, distributing, inhaling, smoking, chewing, consuming, or introducing into the body in any manner Salvia Divinorum, Salvinorin A, or the intoxicant “spice” in any form;

Spice? Did I read that right? Spice is prohibited?

…but, but, but…

The spice extends life. The spice expands consciousness. The spice is vital to space travel.

What the fuck?

This aggression will not stand, man. This is what happens, Larry. This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass! Long live the fighters!

Ouch…I think I just gave myself stoner-movie whiplash.

This is a very complicated case, Maude. You know, a lotta ins, a lotta outs, a lotta what-have-yous.

Alright…knock it off. I had a fucking point here. I just don’t remember what it was…oh yeah…

Nobody fucks with The Jesus…or the Kwisatz Haderach!

Swine Flu Zombie Outbreak Rule 5 Update

Since I’m going to just keep beating this horse until it’s a pulpy, bloody mess…

…and you all know I’m gonna…

…here’s Milla Jovovich in all her Rule 5 Swine Flu Zombie Killin’ hotness.

Swine Flu Zombie Tip #47

According to The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks,

“The trench spike is, without a doubt, the best compact anti-zombie weapon on earth…It was developed during the vicious hand-to-hand combat of World War I, where soldiers killed each other in trenches no wider than a few feet. Specifically, it was designed to stab downward, through an enemy’s steel helmet. You can imagine how effective this weapon would be against a zombie.”

Beware of knockoff “trench knives” that can be purchased at most five and dime army-navy stores.

You need the real deal.

Good hunting.

Pictures courtesy of the The American Edged Weaponry Museum.

Swine Flu Zombie Update

In a feeble attempt to prepare a totally unprepared American public for the impending Swine Flu Zombie outbreak, the government has commissioned a thinly veiled training scenario in the form of a video gaming product. Details below.




While I applaud the government for the effort, the specifics of the training might be a little too advanced for the average citizen. Strapping chainsaws to a dirt bike is a great idea, but how many Americans know that a two-cycle chainsaw engine requires an oil-fuel mixture to run properly?

Trust me…I know what I’m talking about

I have it on good authority that the Swine Flu pandemic is actually an elaborate government cover-up of…

…wait for it…

…a viral zombie outbreak.

Go ahead and check for yourselves. Googling “swine flu zombie” will get you no less than 160,000 hits. And we all know everything on the internets is true or else they couldn’t print it. Here are some of the highlights:

Swine flu: Mexico City becomes 'strange zombie city'… - Telegraph.co.uk

I now believe from a majority of people that this Swine Flu creates zombies out
of people. The question is why are these infected people or zombies hostile, why
are they trying to kill us and infect us all? From thoughs who are bioligists
please explain to me why people turn into high fevered infected zombies that
turn and kill people, THIS IS NOT A JOKE! My sources come from a large # of
people on Yahoo answers who say that the zombies are already in the thousands in L.A and Mexico. – Yahoo Answers

This little exchange is my personal favorite:

…I can't help but think that there is some sort of global government cover-up of
a zombie outbreak from this flu....Flu like symptoms, then quick death, then
attempted government cover-up "Swine Flu" B.S., and then global
panic!!!!!...

…Give me twenty cases of beer, food, three battle rifles, seven sniper rifles, three LMGs, seven RPGs, three SMGs, seven pistols, a stockpile of ammo, and I should be just fine….

…Our local paper ran a sub story about how "Containment is not an option" after telling us all last week that there was only a few isolated cases outsice of Mexiico… - FireArmsTalk.com

Well, fuck, that’s all the proof I need. Get Bessie into the barn, fill the bathtub with water and load the shotguns. I’m killin’ the first muthafucker that comes to the door.

...and now for Political News

Via FilmDrunk

Clutch

In honor of Clutch tickets going on sale this weekend and to show McCain he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about, I present possibly the greatest band ever.

Bad Parents Suck

This morning I had my nice healthy breakfast of oatmeal and banana slices interrupted by this story on GMA.

Apparently some bitch kicked her kids out of the car because they wouldn’t stop fighting and she couldn’t take it. The 12 year old girl ran back to the car and got back in, but her 10 year old sister wandered the streets until some stranger bought her ice cream and took her to the cops.

I have issues with this and parenting in general on so many different levels that I felt compelled to interrupt my own morning, postpone my AntiChrist workout and explain to you all why most parents suck ass.

First of all, I just want to get this out of my system right know so you can go ahead and stop reading.

If you are a stay at home mom and all you do is take care of the kids and the house and you think your job is hard. You suck ass. It’s not that difficult. I don’t know where you’re having a problem personally. Maybe you have too many fucking kids. Maybe your house is to fucking big. Maybe your husband is a deadbeat. I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care. Unless you are literally shackled to the fucking stove, held prisoner in some kind of crazy religious cult compound, it’s your own entire fucking fault. Deal with it. Nobody pisses me off more than housewives that bitch. You know I have a house and I have a child and take care of them both, oh and I also occasionally go to war. So shut the fuck up.

Damn, I feel like I just had an orgasm.

Ok husbands, you’re not getting off scot free. If your wife bitches all the time, you’re probably not pulling your weight. Do your fucking job.

Yea, I know that wasn’t even, but I don’t care. I’m going to play the “It’s my fucking blog” card.

I know the mother that booted her kids to the curb wasn’t a stay at home mom, but that doesn’t make any difference. The situation that she and every other bad parent find themselves is ENTIRELY OF THEIR OWN MAKING.

Stop bitching about something that you created.

It’s like those commercials at the end of summer, where the mom is dancing around the store school shopping because she’s so fucking happy that she doesn’t have to spend time with her kids any more.

The Other McCain has been writing lately about Christianity and having big families and all. You know the whole “fruitful and multiply” schtick. And normally I agree with Stacy, but on this issue we are going to have to part ways. In my opinion, most Americans should not only NOT have big families, they shouldn’t have any kids at all. They just can’t handle it.

If your kids are fighting in the back seat to the point that you have to pull the car over and kick them the fuck out, you have already failed as a parent. You just gave the world two more fucking mouth breathers that can’t resolve their conflicts in peaceful manner. Thank you very much.

Single people need to listen up and pay attention. Girls, take note every time your married friend complains about her kids. Guys, pay attention when you’re at the park with your girlfriend and the mother of three is trying to wrangle her two little bastards while the third one in her arms is wailing. That could be you.

If you’re in a stable marriage and have good jobs, by all means have a child and love it with all your heart, every day. But if you have second kid just so the first one will have a playmate (and I heard this from more than one parent), what the fuck are you doing with your time? Pay attention to your damn kid. You play with them. You are a family of equals. The only thing you have on your kids is life experience; there’s probably a better than average chance that your kids are actually smarter than you. Treat them as such.

When an average couple decides to have more and more children, they are making a deliberate choice to give less and less to their kids. Time and money. You can only pay for so much crap and there is only so much time in the day. Years ago when my daughter asked me if she could have a little sister, I told her (and I shit you not) that if she had a sister she would only get half as many toys over the course of her life because her sister would get the other half. There is only so much toy money.

She decided she didn’t need a little sister.

P.S. For those of you that were wondering, I got my test results back and apparently I am not going crazy, but for some reason I have become prone to fairly bad postprandial hypoglycemia. Hmm…who’da thunk it?

Sick or Not

I have my follow-up doctor’s appointment in an hour and a half.

If there’s nothing wrong with me, then I’m going crazy.

If there is, then there’s something wrong with me.

I don’t see how this can end well.

Happy Monday, People of the Internets

Every time I open my window
Cranes fly in to terrorize me
- Clutch, Burning Beard

Maybe there’s another reason

via Smoking Gun

Seem old Terry Nichols has an issue. He is blaming his diet at the Florence, CO Supermax prison for:

“…chronic constipation, bleeding, hemorrhoids…”

Hmmmm…or maybe it’s due to being pounded in the ass by a big-dicked cellmate.

Consider yourself lucky, Terry.

If it was up to me, you’d have a pineapple shoved up your ass every other day by a relative of one of the 168 people you murdered. Fuck off and die.

Bob’s Day

Guess what I did all day.

Before

After

That’s right. Not only am I good looking and smart, I’m also handy.

Officially Old

Ok. Now I feel old. Let me fill you in.

Normally, I like to keep a neat and tidy scrotal zone.

Stay with me now.

Nothing too fancy. No crazy shapes like hearts or butterflies and definitely not shaven bald. Just a nice regulation high and tight.

Still with me?

Well I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t been as diligent as usual recently, what with the possibility that I might be going insane and all and I noticed this morning that I had the makings of a full blown rainforest sprouting up.

Ok that was a bit much; I’ll understand if you’ve moved on by now.

So I broke out the trusty old “pubes only” clippers and commence to manscaping. When what do I find? A big old wiry silver hair. Silver. Can you believe that shit?

Now that was too much even for me. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to finish.

So that’s it. I’m officially fucking old. It’s all down hill from here. Where’s the euthanasia line?

I might have to go do something childish before they fit me for a walker.

Auto Control, Please

via Smoking Gun

I can’t swing a dead cat over my head without hitting some goddamn hippie going on about gun control, but this bitch will be back behind the wheel by next week and nobody seems to give a fuck.

Yummy

Founders Dirty Bastard in my new tulip glass. My official review -
yummy.

The Antichrist

You think you know, but you do not.

The Beast will not come as some cherub-faced rascal with a curly black mop top.

The Son of Perdition will not show itself as the young CEO of a multinational corporation.

The Wicked One will not even come as a young minority politician out of Illinois.

No.

The Enemy is already among us bringing terrible suffering and gnashing of teeth with her Thirty Day Shred…

…for the Lawless One, that King of Babylon is none other than Jillian Michaels…

…and that bitch be crazy.

Network Bias?

Really? I’m just not seeing it.*




Via The Other McCain; Via Michelle Malkin and Hot Air.


* Sarcasm.**

** For those of you*** too stupid to realize.

***…and by you, I mean goddamn hippie liberals.

On Tap

I’m Feeling Much, Much Better Now…

…thank you for your concern.

…and by “concern” I mean “total disregard”…

…and by “you” I mean “you” dipshit, currently reading this…

…and by “thank you” I mean “fuck off”…

No really.

Actually, I am feeling a lot better. I think my little “episode” was a combination of:

Work stress (I hate my job)
Stress over a legal matter I can’t talk about (trust me it’s just fucking great)
I have a cold (My head is full of snot)
I’m eating healthy (I’m always hungry and my blood sugar is completely fucked)
I’ve lost 30 lbs in 3 months (which apparently is not as healthy as it sounds)
I occasionally have a beer or two (or ten)

Thanks again for the concern.

And by…well, you know the rest.

Headlines

- I’m currently reading The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks.

- On an unrelated note, “Zombie Attacks” has passed “Hippie Jams” on my list of “Shit I am Worried About.”

- For a good hour on Thursday, I was convinced the wife was trying to poison me.

- We had a great family day in New Hope on Saturday buying shit we don’t "need" yet had to own. Jalapeno-Tequila hot sauce? Check. Weyerbacher tulip glass? Check. American Harvest Beanpod candles? Check.

- I had a full blown panic attack on Friday and I haven’t felt “right” since.

- I just realized we had the “sex” talk with our kid before the “Santa Claus/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy” talk. What’s wrong with this world?

- I sent in my taxes. I’ve had them done for a while, but fuck ‘em. They can wait for my money.

- There’s a better than average chance that I’ve had a complete psychotic collapse and I’m currently sitting in a padded cell, drooling on myself, imagining I’m updating my blog.

- I use “quotation” marks entirely too much.

NSFW

3==> (!)

I have all the time in the world

“Is it safe to assume that this is all billable time? Then I can
talk as long as you want lawyerman.”

– Ancient Chinese Proverb

Metal Affirmations

Today’s “uplifting” reading comes from the Connecticut hardcore gods, Hatebreed.

Here I am
Exposed in my brokenness
For the world to see
Here I am
Screaming this words
It’s all I’ve ever known of serenity
- Give Wings to my Triumph

How to sell Crap to Nerds in 2 easy steps

Step 1 – Boobs
Step 2 - Lightsabers

Homo? You make the call.

Metal Affirmations

This LoG moment goes out to that certain special someone. You know who you are motherfucker. Just think, when they’re done with you, you still have to deal with me.

Can the pestilence within you be bled out?
May I have the honor of this amputation?
Know that you have made an enemy
To show you the meaning of indignity
I live now solely for the pleasure of your slow decay
-Purified

Gun Control?

- from The Huffington Post via The Other McCain

Guns should be the hardest things to get in America, not the easiest.

I disagree…

…so does this guy and this girl and this lady plus her baby and this teenager and this guy.

Personally, I own 7 guns and not one of them has ever broken the law.

On the other hand, my 1 car can’t say as much because, frankly, that 35 mph stretch between Woodlawn and Rt. 207 is fucking ridiculous.

Why I love America…

…or, “How to waste your whole fucking morning in 10 easy steps.”

I can’t decide what I want to name this post, so we’re just going to go with both for now.

I got up this morning with every intention of getting some yard work done, but it’s currently pouring down rain and has been all morning. So instead, I jumped on the old computer to read some feeds. I currently subscribe to 23 different feeds and when I say different, I’m not joking around; my tastes are all over the place.

I read a handful of beer blogs, a couple about mountain biking and a couple funny Hollywood news and movie blogs. Seems normal, right? Well also throw in one heavy metal music blog, a sprinkling of middle-aged housewife blog and a dash of hippie poet blog just for good measure. Then top it all off with a heaping spoonful of political blogs.

I don’t know how that degenerated into a recipe, but like I’ve said…I never promised you a fucking rose garden. Besides, it’s not like I get paid for this shit.

Where was I?

Right, political blogs.

Believe it or not, but I have no real interest in politics. I read all the other stuff, pretty much just to stay up to date on either the subject of the blog or the writer there of. But the political blogs I read purely for the interactions between the writers. It’s like people-watching at the mall only on a grander yet more obscure scale. It’s truly beautiful in its expression of American freedom and to be totally honest, it’s fucking hysterical.

I don’t know what your particular political views are, my dear Faithful Few readers, and frankly I don’t want to know, but do yourself a favor and follow along.

I started this morning with The Other McCain. I like McCain because he’s funny and he was one of the first to link me back in the day. Funny…it all began when I started commenting on a discussion between McCain and Jimmie over the merits of Battlestar Galactica. I only found his site in the first place because I was researching Grace Park for my doctoral thesis on Asian schoolgirl uniforms.

Where was I?

From McCain’s site I found TBogg and from there I found Big Head DC. That’s when I found this guy. Then on and on and on.

Go ahead and read. I’ll wait.

That’s when I had to stop because I was literally laughing out loud at my computer and I had completely wasted the morning.

I have no idea who any of these people really are, but it’s still fucking hysterical, because they are completely serious. Really. They are totally serious about this shit. I’m super cereal.

So anyway, my point is if you need a little entertainment to spice up your day, find yourself a couple of contrasting political blogs and watch the sparks fly. Keep in mind, you better have your shit wired right, or else you might just get sucked into one side or the other. That wouldn’t be cool at all, because we all know there’s really only one correct viewpoint.

Mine.

Round About

I know I’m not supposed to be blogging on Saturday, but frankly there’s a lot of shit I’m not supposed to do and we all know just how well I listen.

In addition to knowing that I don’t follow direction well, we also know that a big bulk of my traffic comes from The Other McCain. Hell, right now it’s floating right around 28%.

So now that we all know most of my traffic comes from The Other McCain AND I couldn’t follow the rules, even if the only rule was don’t follow the rules, I’m going to do the only thing I’m good at…fuck everything up.

Where, oh where, to begin…well let me just cut to the chase.

I got screwed out of a bullet. Yeah, that’s right. You heard me…screwed out of a bullet.

McCain’s henchman Smitty wrote a Rule 2 compilation this morning and everybody’s favorite middle-aged fat drunk guy got himself some love.

Why bitch then motard?

Hold your fucking horses. What I didn’t get with my love, was my own fucking bullet. You heard me right…bullet.

Everyone else got their own bullet except me. I got crammed in with Below the Beltway so my little slice of love looked like this:

- Below the Beltway celebrates its millionth visitor with a hat tip to RSM and
some Charlize Theron Rule 5Bob's Bar and Grill has the eloquently titled drunk-blog post Blah Blah Blah. I don't know. It made a good palate cleanser. I had to leave this
blog promptly, due to PTSD brought on by that arm tattoo from last week.
*shudder*

What the ever-living fuck? Plus he disses my ink. So help me God.

Ok, ok, ok…calm down, Bob. You’re just going to blow a good thing again. You know you always do this. Just when everything is going your way, you open your big trap, bitch about some minor shit that no one else but you really cares about and…BLAMO…the whole thing blows up in your face.

Just. Get. A. Grip.

Ok...breathe. Alright, I’m cool. You know this is funny, because this very thing reminds me of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, where Ray purposely sabotaged his relationship with Deborah because of his fear of success.

Which brings me to my point…Patricia Heaton’s boobs. Happy Rule 5!